i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
