i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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