I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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