so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
