we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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