Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
