You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
