that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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