it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
