she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
