Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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