The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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