Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
