The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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