I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
