i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just found puke in my bra..
We had to coat check the pizza.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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