Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
