I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
