someone owes me an orgasm
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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