My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
