I cannot find my penis.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
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