im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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