I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
