I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
