she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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