I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
