just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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