is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize