Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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