No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
