I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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