I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
