I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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