I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
