I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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