you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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