I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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