so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
