you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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