You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
