I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
