I smell stomach acid.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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