I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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