I wish I could teleport
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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