I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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