I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
