he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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