I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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