he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
