Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
