Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
