I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize