I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
