Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
