I'm really into asian looking animals
I think I am morally bankrupt
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
