they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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