my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
