I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize