toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
