hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There's always time for handjobs
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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