my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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