So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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