people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
